I had an unwanted pregnancy and was told by my sisters, “This is not going to happen. You will go to college.” So I was shuffled down to Florida with a sister and had an abortion. It devastated me. My parents didn’t know about it. Only my sisters.
I wound up in a relationship with a woman, and that devastated my family, especially having been raised in the church. Even though I had heard that was a sin I found myself in rebellion for various reasons. That relationship was abusive so I left. Then I ended up in another one for eighteen years. Through those eighteen years I was lost; totally lost. I ended up doing drugs, drinking, and partying, but I didn’t leave the relationship until I had to move back home because my step dad was passing away from cancer. It was in that time span that I was ready for something. I didn’t know what. I was miserable.
It looked good on the outside. We had the house. We had the jobs. We had the material things but the emptiness was not leaving me. The day my stepfather passed away I was there with him. I remember asking God, “You’re going to have to show me something. Do you want me to be with a man or do you want me to be with a woman?” This gentle voice said, “It’s time. You have to leave.” So I left that relationship after the death of my stepdad.
I asked God, “Where do you want me to go?” He said to me, “Let go of that house. Let go of all that stuff and I’m gonna provide for you.” I went to Las Vegas of all places; found a home. I really shouldn’t have been in a home but I was. I sold my home. All the transactions were truly amazing. I knew it was God showing me He would take care of me through that time.
Unfortunately, I hadn’t given my life to Christ, completely. I started going to a bible study and started talking to my husband, whom I didn’t know would be my husband. He started to minister to me and counsel me. One day I told him, “I feel like God is saying to me, ‘Stop playing around. You’ve given everyone everything except me. When are you gonna give me your all?’” I shared that with him and he said, “Start here.” I started reading the book of Romans. I was traveling and reading the Word. The book of Romans really transformed me. It gave me an understanding of the fight I was in; with my flesh and with the decisions that I had made.
I was in a terrible relationship and was having a hard time letting go. Finally, I had this experience with God. The Holy Spirit truly spoke to me and said, “Do not invite this man to your home.” I did anyway. It was horrible. It was terrible. The next morning, again, God’s gentle voice said, “Tell him to leave. I have your husband for you.” I did just that. Then finally one day my husband, Jock, said, “God told me to look at you as my wife.” I thought, “Yeah, right.” He was there all the time. It was letting go of all that other stuff that led me to what God had in front of me the whole time.
God delivered me from drugs and alcohol. I have not had a drink or drug for seventeen and a half years. That is a miracle in itself. He delivered me from a lesbian relationship of eighteen years. Eighteen years that I thought, “This is my life.”
God loves you and he cares about you, and he wants the best for you. You find freedom in his love through surrendering to him.
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