I’m a bit of a perfectionist, so when I didn’t do well in certain things with sports or grades or something like that, I would beat myself up over it. I played baseball, and honestly I wasn’t super good growing up, so like that has kind of stuck with me where I was always trying to get better, and I wanted to be really good at that. I’m pretty good at school, so I always tried to be really good with that. So it was like, if I found myself messing up in one of those areas, or if I found myself not knowing what to say in front of a group of people I would be like, “Man you’re such an idiot! Why didn’t you say this, or why didn’t you do better on that test or why didn’t you hit the ball better?” It was all really minor stuff in the scheme of things, but I would beat myself up over it, and I would be like, “You’ve got to be better than that. You’ve got to be more prepared. You’ve got to do this and this, and if you don’t then you’re a waste of time, and people won’t care about you.” So when I messed up, it was like, “Man there’s nothing here. Well, I must be trash. I must not be any good because I messed up, and people aren’t telling me that I did a good job. I don’t think I did a good job myself.”
I let that pile up on my shoulders, and just eventually I would crash. I would have to spend days at a time where I didn’t want to do anything. One of the things that really kind of hit me was that when Jesus said, “It’s finished.” It’s finished, and all of my sins are wiped clean. I don’t have to keep looking back at that and trying to be this “perfect someone” because that perfect someone died on a cross for me already. I don’t have to bear those burdens anymore. When I changed this part of my life and really got into the word and started doing something about my Christianity instead of hiding behind a face, my relationships with other people got better. My relationship with Christ got better. I really felt like I was doing something, and it gave me a sense of purpose and direction with my life instead of just going through the motions, and it’s not always perfect. I can come off as a bit of a know it all. I can come off as though I’m better than you. I have had people come up to my face and say, “Hey, I don’t like you because of that.” It really humbled me and helped me figure out that I’m always learning, and other people may not be in the same place as me. Part of me caught myself doing that. I kind of had to tone myself down and be like, “You know what? You don’t need to come off like that to people. You need to love them and really show understanding for where they’re at and help them to get to a better place and really show them the love of Christ.”
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