I came home, and that is where my exploration of gay lifestyle began. For that short period of time in church, I would hear the minister say homosexuality is a sin. Those who practice homosexuality go to hell, and that was the end of the message. If I chose to live the gay lifestyle, I was choosing hell, so I chose hell.
Every relationship, every encounter, would get worse, would become more perverted, more faceless, more emotionless. I had been with countless men. I could fill up a notebook full of the men that I had been with. At the end of that, I felt emptier than I had ever felt. I didn’t like my life at all. I had plenty of gay friends. I was popular, but here still remained that emptiness, emotionally. I would come home from the bars drunk. The rare nights that I would come home alone, I would sing myself to sleep, “This little light of mine…” the little song that I learned as a child in church.
A friend of mine, who was an ex-lover, had given his life to Christ. At that point, we separated ways. I continued to party. We were not longer really friends. We would talk occasionally, but at one point, he gave me a book. One day I decided to read it, and in the back of that book was a prayer of salvation, and I read that prayer. I decided I had tried everything in my own power to change my life. I remembered, as a little boy, going to the altar of that Baptist church, accepting Christ as my Savior, and being baptized.
I remembered those things at that moment, deciding, and really feeling, the heaviness on my heart to re-dedicate my life, to give the reigns of my life back to God, saying, “It’s a mess. I don’t know if you can change my homosexual life. I don’t know if I am doomed to hell. That’s what I’ve heard all my life, but I am feeling like I am supposed to do this. I’m feeling that I’m supposed to pray this prayer, so I’m going to, and I’m giving this to you.”
Once I did, a lot of things fell away in my life. I had struggled with anorexia for years. As soon as I prayed that prayer, I no longer struggled with that issue. As soon as I prayed that prayer, the homosexual temptations and struggles parted for a couple of months. During those two months of really good devotion time with the Lord, I really felt as if I fell in love with God, through times of worship and prayer. I really felt like I bonded with God on a level that I had not bonded with anyone, so that love relationship that was established…I didn’t want to mess it up. I didn’t want to mess it up because I had not had that type of relationship with anyone.
The struggle in itself became more intense. I prayed prayers. I read books. I went to church. I did all the things you're supposed to do. At some point, I fell back into sin. I was worn down. I fell back into, not a relationship, but a sexual encounter. I hooked up with this married man who liked to get together every other Sunday, which I accommodated. One day, it was the last time I ever saw this man. It was the first time I could say I clearly heard the Lord speak to me. That man and I had just been together. He was actually asleep. The Lord spoke to me and said, “It did not satisfy you, did it?” I spoke within my head and said, “No it didn’t.” The Lord said, “The only thing that will satisfy you is Me.” I asked that man to leave. I never called him or spoke to him again.
Religion tells us that God works in a box, only a certain way, but God was speaking to me at that moment. In my filth, God was able to break through the darkness that was in my life, at that moment, to bring a rhema word, to bring a moment of deliverance and hope because He’s my father. Any father would do that, who loves their child.
I went through six years of being totally celibate, totally devoted to God, and in ministry. That last year the Lord started putting in my heart the desire to be married, the desire for companionship. That last year is when I met my wife. I met her at church. We dated and got married. Marriage was great. We’ve learned more about God. We’ve learned more about relationships. We’ve learned more about deep issues within our own selves. We now have two children. God has really blessed me beyond what I ever thought.
Discussions