At the age of thirteen, I was drugged and I was raped by three guys. They kept whispering back and forth and acting weird. They were all laughing. I started to drink my drink. It took about five minutes, about five to ten minutes. I was sitting there and all of my limbs of my body went numb. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. They ended up taking turns raping me and they ended up leaving me laying there. I was conscious and I knew what happened. I knew what was going on but I couldn’t scream I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t move. After that rape, I was so filled with guilt, shame, and unworthiness. I didn’t think that I would ever be good enough for anybody good. I ended up becoming a meth addict at fourteen.
I spent a year in a group home and it helped. I stayed sober for about ten years. I ended up having an affair and cheating on my husband. I ended up having a child with the other man. That relationship was very toxic. He was a meth addict and he wanted me to do it so that I could stay awake all hours of the night to help him with his criminal activity which was burglarizing people’s homes. I actually did it. I was just the driver.
We got caught one day. We had a high-speed chase from the police with my kids in the car. When he went to jail I thought that everything was going to be okay and that I was going to be able to be a mother. I was going to be able to be normal again but that’s not what happened.
At first, it was just smoking meth and snorting it but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t numbing the pain. It wasn’t keeping me high like I wanted to be high, so I eventually injected meth. I have to say that’s when my life spiraled really out of control. I was doing terrible things to good people. I would take the broken and addicted girls that I knew and I would trade them to dangerous violent drug dealers so that I could get high.
I remember I just started crying and at that moment I cried, I cried to God. I said; “God please, please don’t let me die like this. Please save me. I don’t want my children to know that their mother died a drug addict. I don’t want to die this way.”
It was about two weeks later I had to go to court over some criminal charges. They asked me if I wanted help. That’s when I raised both of my sleeves and showed them my arms. They looked down at my arms and they were just bruised from the wrists almost up to the shoulder. The veins were just blown and had knots all over them. They were black and blue. It was a terrible sight. I just cried and said; “Please help me. I need help.” They said; “Okay.” They put me in jail. I had to stay in jail for two months while I waited for them to find me a place. During that time, I remember, I went into that cell and I dropped to my knees. That’s whenever I surrendered and I began to develop my relationship with Jesus. They ended up finding Women at the Well and my life hasn’t been the same. They loved me when I was unlovable. They loved me when I didn’t love myself. It’s awesome that the Lord, He loves us so much that He meets us right where we are at. But He is so gracious and so merciful that He won’t leave us there. It’s awesome that He trades beauty for ashes.
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