Convinced I was worthless.

In 1996 I sat in my car and wrote fifty two suicide notes. I had them spread out on the seat. By my drivers seat. So that when the police found me or whoever found me, they would take those notes to my family, my friends and people I worked with. I had my bible laying open and I had written in my bible; “To my three children, you all can read this bible after I’m gone.” I had had my children taken from me in a little ugly custody battle the year before. I had survived a mental hospital, drugs, counseling, everything. I thought that I had nothing to live for. I thought that I was the most worthless mother on the face of the earth. I was no good as a wife. As a mother. As a daughter. As a friend. The devil had totally convinced me that I had nothing to live for. At the time I was a teacher. I had a wonderful teaching job. I had a great husband who was very patient. I had a lovely daughter. I had parents that were very supportive. I had everything. We were well off. Had a nice house. Good salary. But inside I was dead. I wasn’t just dying, I had already died. I had my daughters pink plastic jump rope. It was plastic. It wasn’t very sturdy. So I remember wrapping it over the corner of the car door. Tying it around my neck. I did wake up that afternoon thinking, well that didn’t work. So I saw the lake in the distance and thought I’m just going to walk into the lake. I’m going to drown myself. I have got to do this today. I just felt compelled. That’s what the devil does. He will compel you to do it his way. Without, without doing it Gods way. So I closed the door. It was raining. I just started walking into the lake. I guess I got about waist up. When again the spirit of the Lord said; “no, your not going to do this. You’re my child. I need you. I need you in this world. You need to be a mother to your children.” So I walked out with wet clothes. I believe the Lord had gotten hold of me that day to start stirring me up to say; “there’s better life for you than living in this blackness and this darkness.” We went to this seminar, my husband and I. And I remember this, this spirit of hope started rising up in me. I met on a Saturday with five or six other women. To this day I still don’t know their names. I don’t remember their faces. But I do remember that they were the angels of mercy. They were the hands and feet and mouths that God used to set me free. This lady had me go back. She said; “I want you to forgive everyone that ever hurt you. Starting with your father.” She said; (we prayed) Lord bring back to her remembrance everyone that has ever hurt her. Everyone who’s ever wounded her with words or physical abuse or emotional abuse.” We walked back. We walked back even to the bully that stood on the street corner and threw rocks at me when I was five years old. We walked back to all of the dark chambers in my life that the enemy had control over. We walked back and we let the light of the Holy Spirit begin to flood those inner chambers. And to bring healing to my heart. Well I cried most of that time. It was very painful to forgive and to move on from all of the people that had hurt me. We walked through to the suicides. She began to tell me how much God loved me. That I was accepted. That I was accepted in the beloved. That I was Gods child. That he had a purpose and a mighty plan for me. He had a plan for me? Here I was a nut. I was crazy with depression. Crazy with bipolar. And God had a plan for me? God had a reason for me to still live? When I walked out of that tiny little room, I was free. I was free once again to glorify the Lord. My first thought now is not “how am I going to do it?” How am I going to kill myself? How am I going to get my pills? Now my first thought is “Lord what do you want me to do today? How can I serve you today Father? How can I minister to you today Lord. How can I do your will today? Use me Lord. Use me. I see now how He took me from a small little car parked by the lake with a jump rope around my neck. How He took me from that moment and translated me into the kingdom of light. He called me out of darkness. Now I’m living for him in his marvelous light.