My Father had more kids by another lady that he married, so he never had time for me, and I was the oldest, and I resented that. I lived with my grandmother practically all my life. My mother and father separated early, and I kind of used that to basically let self-pity set in. I wanted my father around, and he was not. So I guess as I was growing into a teenager, my grandmother could no longer really handle me because I was out on the streets, you know, trying to find happiness and love, and there was nothing. I was just really needing my father around, you know. So that is how I turned to drugs.
A lot of time went into anger against my parents because I just wanted to sit down and eat dinner with my family. I had friends that did. They were going to eat with their family. They would say, “Aaron, come on sit down and eat,” and I would say, “No ma'am. I’m going to go home and eat,” but I would never go home. I would just go walking somewhere else, wanting that empty space to be filled with my family, you know. It just wasn’t there.
So I took a lot of anger on myself. I took a lot of anger. I used drugs to try to fill that spot, and it never would. It never would. The main thing to it all was that I blamed my parents and switched that to using drugs. You know as I sat and read my Bible and talked to a few people, I had to understand the problem was me. The problem wasn’t drugs. The problem wasn’t my mother and father. The problem was my thinking and me. I had to sit down and talk to God and say, “Father, you got to take this. I can't carry it anymore.”
Like I said, my stubbornness took me to jail and made me do a crime and stuff. People would look at me and say, “You're not this type of guy,” and I knew it in the back of my head, but I tried to fit in like I said, and it didn’t work. So as I said, a lot of people would say, “Hey, you know, drugs, this and that. Blame drugs. Drugs is the problem.” I can truly say today that I blame my thinking. I blame myself. Only God can forgive me for that, and He has forgiven me, and I am free indeed.
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